I have started a ritual for myself that has treated me well thus far. Everytime I go to a new city, I get a new toothbrush. Last fall in Philly, the Winter in Kzoo, Summer at Camp in the U.P. Fall in Chiang Mai. Proud to start my new toothbrush this morning in the youth hostel.

Today was the day to meet our host family. of course, i got some chicken shmutz on my shirt right before while i was waiting for my host family to show up to ISDSI. of course. good thing i invested in a “tide to go.” I think i should write those tide people a letter telling them how they helped me and then get some laundry detergent.

Then my family was one of the last two to arrive. meaning the nervous/but/excited suspense was prolonged even further.

Then picked up by my host sisters! who are both artists. and My host mom, Mae Sai, is so sweet. I met her later in the day when she got home.

The only poster on my the wall in my bedroom is one of Michael Jordan. Love it. You can’t make these things up.

Turns out my host family has a computer with internet in the house. I know I won’t be using it all too often, but it seems like a convenient thing to have if i need it as i ended up needing to leave my laptop in the states.

So, I have been trying to write things down as i go. so far, so good. This is something I started working on, on the plane to bangkok during hours 10-13 ish. Gives you a glimpse into the 36 hour transit extravaganza.

My greatest fear used to lie

in my human capacity for isolation,

it was a threat i held against myself,

without wanting or willing,

a fire built between my ears

waiting to turn me hollow

but i am alone now for the first time

in a year. or a year and a half,

or perhaps even more or since forever.

There are many ways to be

alone. It becomes difficult for us to know

hiow to pinpoint the moments

when we have given up one

or taken on another

But i know, it no longer frightens me

to stand in my own body, or to watch my

movements in the mirror, or to give

myself inquisitive looks.

I noticed this, today, halfway

through the flight to Bangkok.

I am on a plane headed somplace

where i do not know how to ask

for an apology, if i needed,

or for help, which requires as much

foregiveness, though, i think, a

different kind.

My biggest fear has never been

about the task of focusing more on what is right

in front of me. though, our hardest battle

is only ever the one we are facing

in any given moment

so, i lower and raise the back of my seat,

which is always generally comfortable,

but never enough to quite stop my

shifting

and i think, about my carry-on bag, shoved

in the overhead compartment over 13 hours ago,

and about the travelsized toothpaste

in the frontmost pocket,

desperate to brush my teeth clean

of the taste of airplane food.